Month: September 2012

Is This Real Life?

I pride myself on the fact that I’m not really a Bridezilla.  I’ve been quite laid-back about this whole wedding thing, and actually more into the whole being married thing.  Bring that on. A few months ago, I did have a blip about envelopes, of all things.  And then I got over myself. Other than matching paper goods, the only stipulation I’ve made is that the bridesmaids’ outfits don’t go all the way to lavender on the purple spectrum.  And then there’s the hat thing.  But that was a joint decision. OK so, other than matching paper goods, no lavender and no hats, I just want to party. When I chose my dress, I wondered if my two ‘requirements’ meant that I was too picky.  I was later deemed to be one of the easiest brides the shop has ever dealt with.  We shall see if that lasts through my fittings. My point is this.  I’m cool.  I’m calm.  Everything is (really) fine.  On the outside. I used to be really into dream interpretation.  Obsessed with ‘symbols’ and ‘themes’.    Did dreaming about a bakery mean I wanted my own business?  Well, I kinda do.  But it also meant I was hungry and needed a doughnut. I’ve been thinking more about what dreams mean.  Because on Monday, I had my first wedding disaster dream. My bridal crew is already down...

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When Lorna Met Netflix

Last week, Sarge wandered into the bedroom, where I was reading and minding my own business. ‘I just bought something,’ he said. ‘What?’  I expected him to name some official noise-making device with numbers on the end of it. ‘You’re going to hate me.  You’re never going to speak to me again.  It’s terrible.’ ‘Whut?’ ‘I got an internet TV box.  Blah, blah, blah (some numbers).  And it has Netflix.’ I looked at him over my book.  ‘It has what now?’ ‘Netflix.’ ‘Real Netflix?’ ‘Aye, and some fake ones as well.’ ‘You’re kidding.  Don’t toy with me, dude.  I have PMS.’ You see, I have been voting that we get some sort cable TV for years.  It would have saved us money on movie tickets and allowed me to join in on some conversations at work when I had a job. We couldn’t get Sky because Sarge is diametrically opposed to Rupert Murdoch.   I’ve forgotten why we couldn’t hook up Virgin TV.  But still, it was one vote for and one against cable TV of any kind.  And the cat’s gone, so there was no tie-breaker. And so, when Sarge came in and said ‘Netflix’ and ‘we have’ in the same sentence, I might have said, ‘You love me, you really love me.’ The first day it was here, I forgot we had it.  Since then, I have watched...

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The Answer Is Yes

Finally, there exists a Shit People Say to People With Disabilities video: When I was single, and I got ‘the sex question’ as an unsuccessful pickup line, the conversation would go something like this: Moron:  Can you have sex? Me:  Yes, but if you have to ask, I won’t be having it with...

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Dancing On The Tables

The first and only time I danced on a table it buckled underneath me.   My friends lifted me, in the chair, onto the table because it was the only free space on which to dance.  I was 18 and liked to dance.  I was also drunk.  All other space that night was taken up by girls dancing around their handbags and boys dancing around girls. On a crowded dance floor, I am usually considered a fire hazard.  A fire hazard with a perfect view of other people’s asses.  I can’t look at my own without a mirror, but I spend a lot of time looking at other people’s. Some security guards, who take their job really seriously, have suggested that ‘she might want to stay off the dance floor.’  Not because I’m a bad dancer, I’m actually quite good, but because if there was a fire, those same girls dancing around their handbags would trample me on the way to the exits.  This line of thought has never made sense to me.  I can bust out of a room faster than anyone running on high-heels and swinging a fugly Louis Vuitton handbag. Before I settled down, which involves staying in more than going out, I’d been going clubbing since I was 18.  Most nights ended with me feeling happy, if slightly claustrophobic.  And even happier to leave The Sea...

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10 Reasons I Love Pinterest

1.  It complements my healthy-eating plan.  When I’m eating grapes or rice-cakes and therefore hungry, it helps to re-pin cake recipes. 2.  I can keep wedding ideas together without glue or paper-cuts. 3.  It’s a source of my daily Zen. 4.  And sometimes it tells me what to do next. 5.  It’s shown my that broken books can be beautiful. 6.  It tells me I’m not the only one. 7.  If I pin a project, I might actually try it. 8.  It helps me visualise. 9.  It’s trying to entice me to eat vegetables. 10.  And I can pin all of the above without jabbing my fingers, dropping the pin, driving over it and getting a flat tire.  It’s accessible that way. How do you use...

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