Month: April 2013

Appearing Elsewhere: The Outlier Collective

And so, I’ve posted on The Outlier Collective about banned books.  Apparently. It’s not my best work.  I may have said as much to Madame Weebles.  I used other words to convey this message.  Of course. It’s basically me going:  Banning books is bad,  mnkay?  Don’t dooo it.  (Unless it’s The DaVinci Code.) However.  There are a few choice lines.  Go see if you can figure out what they are.  I’ll wait. I thought I’d share a list of reasons I could not get beyond: The DaVinci Code is teh sux.  I  didn’t actually say that.  But it is a completely valid argument. Anyway, for last week at least, this is why I’ve lost the power of blog: Reason, GIANT:  It’s been Wedding-Planning Central around here recently.  More on that soon.  Or is that moron? Reason, Medium: I’ve actually been concentrating on non-blog lines and new ventures. Reason, OK, well.  That, too:  I wrote the post in two sittings, which I’ve found is never a good idea. Stay in the seat.  Even when you don’t want to.  Write through the bullshit,...

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10 Things You Can Do In The Dark

Let’s say there’s a power-cut.  In the middle of the day.  This day is particularly overcast and spooky, with little or no natural light.  You know, like April.  You are either home from work or you don’t have a job outside of that home.  The point is, apparently, you don’t have any juice inside it, either. Here’s what you might do: 1.  Consider, for a moment, that you’ve finally done it.  With the computer on, the music on and for some reason all the damn lights on, you have blown all the fuses.  In the world. Ever.  This power outage is your fault.  You were listening to Sun Volt, and now there are no volts.  Neeener, neener.  Screw you, you big hippie. 2.  Wonder if the apocalypse/the extra weird part of The Passage has come true. 3.  Compose yourself.  Text your boyfriend/girlfriend/anyone who does not jump to stupid conclusions.  They might be at work.  Just sayin’. ‘Are you out, too?’ ‘Yep.’ Oh, good.  Kinda.  At least the whole building, the whole street, the whole town will not blame you.  This also means the bill is paid and the apocalypse has not arrived.  Good deals. 4.  Now that you know it isn’t your fault, you are bored.  You amuse yourself by getting dressed.  In the dark.  Before NO JUICE you may have been hanging out in your robe.  Because you can. 5.  You may quote...

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Thinking Outside The Shoes

And so, I’ve kinda spent all day looking for wedding shoes. It’s no secret that my original ‘bridal vision’ involved Doc Martens. I got one of those visions after I figured out what exactly a bridal vision was, and I’m still not really sure. Anyway, wedding Docs. Problem is, I don’t really like white. Or flowers. But I saw myself in wedding boots for a few reasons. I need the support, and I can’t wear something that I step out of while dancing. Because it may fly across the room and hit someone in the head. And that would be dangerous. For them. On my wedding day of all days, I’d like to avoid slippery shoes. I also don’t like heels, and the feeling is mutual. Another reason I was thinking boots is because I don’t like white. Or flowers. Or ivory and flowers. Or peep toes. And I always thought kitten heels sounded like cruelty to feet. Or animals. I’ve always had a weird relationship with shoes. When I was a kid, I would go around clicking my tongue, pretending my sturdy, practical rubber soles made the same sound as ‘grown-up shoes.’ The tongue thing was not a nervous tic, just a six year-old’s wish. Saying that, I had other wishes back then.  When I listed my wishes, Clicky shoes, as I called them, came between ‘Siblings’ and...

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I Hate Myself And I Want To Read

I was breaking out in hives. Shaking. Clawing at my skin. ‘What the hell is this?’ I said to Sarge. ‘Red splotches. On my neck. Should I do this? I think I’m gonna be sick. Hold my hand.’ And then I grabbed his hand. Maybe broke his fingers. A little. No, I was not peeing on a stick. I was not choosing table linens for the wedding dinner (which is actually the wedding breakfast, but never mind). None of those things. I bought a Kindle. It comes with an existential crisis. ‘Do you think I should finish all the books I have before I buy one?’ ‘Then you’ll never do it.’ ‘Is that my answer? Do I even need one?’ ‘Do you want one?’ ‘Yes. ButIfeeldirty.’ Now. I have been openly hostile to e-readers. They are not books. They don’t smell like paper and ink. Real readers read books. So there. A girl can change her mind. I’ve caught up with the times for a few reasons: 1.  Sarge likes to sleep. I do not. He can’t sleep with the light on, I can’t read without it. And when I read in bed, I sometimes drop the book on Sarge’s face. By accident, of course. Mostly. The last time it happened, he got a paper-cut. On his eye. I laughed. And then I felt bad. He might have started...

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My Island Diaries: Armadale, Skye

Are We There Yet? I can’t say much about my third hair and make-up trial. Because y’know, my future husband reads this blog. But I will say: Jackpot! He’s a lucky man. After I slapped myself in the face with make-up remover, I let him back in the living-room. We were waiting to go to Skye for the week. Off to Dad and Anne’s new house. With a separate suitcase just for books. Dad called and said, ‘I’ll be there at 1.30.’ And then 4.30. And then 7.30. At about 8 o’clock we loaded the books and the chair into a rented truck, and set off after a round of Luggage Jenga. ‘Are we there yet?’ I chirped from the back. ‘You still have glitter on your face,’ said Sarge. ‘Do not.’ ‘Do, too.’ Take It To The Bridge We missed all the ferries. So we drove up and over to the bridge. In the snow, with the radio tuned to this show. Anne called a weather and traffic hotline, and someone actually gave us the right information. I fell asleep and woke up when Dad swerved to avoid hitting a deer. Welcome home, I thought. Hello Darkness, My Old Friend At about two in the morning I unfolded myself from the back of the truck, did a sliding jump to the ground, and looked up to the stars. ‘Hello,...

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