Scenes From The Mall

12th June 2012

I was at the mall for five hours yesterday.  No, I don’t have a job there.  And I came home without a book.  Since my mall trips usually revolve around Starbucks fixes and buying books in bulk, my extended stay is worthy of note.

Sarge and I have had rival mobile phones since I got an iPhone two years ago.  Didn’t want it at first, but because I hadn’t upgraded for years, I got one ‘for free’.  The dudes in the shop practically threw it at me.

They threw me another one yesterday.  Only this time I asked for it.  I now have an iPhone 4.  My Siri is a dude.  This confuses me, because Siri is a girl’s name.  But whatever.  It’s just a phone, people.  A very cool phone, but still just a phone.

I signed my name to lots of bits of paper yesterday.  Then I left both phones in the shop so my contacts and photos could be transferred to the new phone.  That would take an hour.

So I went shopping.  I might have bought what my mother would call a ‘cute top’ for the engagement bonfire this weekend.  I may have discovered I am a whole two sizes smaller than I was at Christmas, the last time I bought clothes.  I may have sat, phoneless and bookless in Starbucks. With a tall hazelnut latte and a skinny (yes, really) blueberry muffin.  I haven’t been trying to lose weight, but it may as well stay gone.

I went back to the phone shop.  ‘Another hour,’ they said.  ‘Lots of photos, over a thousand,’ they said.

893, I thought.  Because my phone is with me when my digital camera is not.  And my phone takes better photos.

And so, I went off in search of yesterday evening’s dinner.  And there was nothing skinny about the chocolate mousse I picked up for dessert.

I circled back to the phone shop.  ‘Three minutes,’ they said.

And then my phone rang.  The new one.  It was Dad.  The conversation went something like this:


‘Did you get my message?’


‘Have you read your email?’


‘Oh.  Carry on, my dear.  Have Siri call me later.’

I signed some more bits of paper and took both phones home.

This is what happened when I tried to ‘train’ the new one:

Call Dad.

Call Dave?

Um, no.  Please don’t.

Text (Sarge).

What would you like to text (Sarge)?

I’m texting using my voice!

Text Izuzu my voice?

Well, maybe.  I have always wanted to do voice-overs!

Check the weather in Edinburgh.

Check in with Bro?

I wish, Siri.  Thank you.

What time is it in New York?

The time in NYC, USA is 11.41 AM

Buy Doritos.

I can’t do that for you.  Sorry to disappoint you.

That’s OK, Siri.  You’re just a phone.  And I should probably have grapes instead.

Image representing Siri as depicted in CrunchBase

Image via CrunchBase


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  • Reply urbannight 12th June 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I went backwards and dumbed my phone down to a Net10. Since I do have my camera with me all the time and I don’t like the idea of a phone bill that looks like a car payment. I keep telling people I’m holding out for the iPhone brain implant.

  • Reply bingsy baby 12th June 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Siri scares the pants off of me, but maybe the effect would be less if the voice were male and British. Wait what am I saying? That would be the most chilling. I am of the mindset that most electronic/robotic voices should have either a stoner accent or Swedish accent, perhaps Canadian, just nothing intimidating about those accents, maybe just a little annoying. You know what? Maybe Tony Danza. If Tony were the voice of my phone I think I’d always feel like every situation was both under control but also a little comical and light hearted. Why don’t companies ask me about these things first? Geesh.

    • Reply LKD 12th June 2012 at 3:01 pm

      Tony Danza? In a phone? Actually awesome.

  • Reply Martha Goudey 12th June 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Funny. Love my phone, but don’t need her to talk to me.

  • Reply Lottie Nevin 12th June 2012 at 4:28 pm

    I so loved this post!! Thank you for making me laugh! 🙂

    • Reply LKD 12th June 2012 at 4:40 pm

      My pleasure, Lottie! I hope you’re having a good day.

  • Reply Cynthia 12th June 2012 at 9:01 pm

    I love your article. I have a fancy phone that I can not answer most of time. The funny thing is that I have the same phone in the US and I was constantly in the Sprint store asking questions. I moved to the UK and purchase the same phone and have not gotten any smartr and just proved I am an idiot for buying the same product twice that I can not use. Thank you for finding me on Twitter. I can not wait to come back to your blog. You ROCK!


  • Reply Bella 13th June 2012 at 1:09 am

    Lorna, you crack me up! I have yet to purchase any iPhone. Alas, my limited finances prevent me from doing so and would you believe that currently, the Significant Other and I share a phone? I hear from my niece and sister that Siri can be a mean! And confusing. Needless to say, Siri would be a small price to pay if I could become a Histogram photographer! hee hee! 🙂

    • Reply LKD 14th June 2012 at 10:25 am

      Sharing a phone must add an interesting dimension to your relationship. I believe Instagram is now available on other phones, if that helps!

  • Reply Nancy 13th June 2012 at 2:25 am

    Lorna, I have to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. You have a real talent for writing. This one just had me giggling.

  • Reply DB York 14th June 2012 at 4:19 am

    Yeah…my phone? just a phone.

    though I do text more than call with it, I admit!

  • Reply Karl 16th June 2012 at 1:48 am

    thanks for giving me more ideas for a short sketch for a next get-together. Sometimes gadgets are playing with us. If we are prepared to accept it, it´s no bother. You seem to be a master in overcoming difficulties. Congrats and thanks, Lorna, for letting us know! Anyone will need this knowledge – now, soon or later. And, yes, Portland, OR, is worth a visit and more. But, so is Rose Street in Edinburgh.
    Cheers, Karl

  • Reply Stacey 23rd June 2012 at 9:49 pm

    I love that your Siri is a dude! The whole man taking orders from me is just so appealing! Maybe I’ll give mine a sex change. But she’d probably smart mouth me and get all bitchy about it. I think she likes being a girl in charge. It seems she’s the one wearing the pants in this family! She’s also keeping me on track… so I’ll let her.
    Great post. Aren’t those phones fun. I’m so glad to finally have one! Thanks for the visit/follow … I thoroughly enjoyed it and will gladly follow back! I like your style. 🙂

  • Reply kizzylee 5th July 2012 at 1:27 pm

    my phone texts and calls thats it! i cant cope with anything that requires me to go take a college course in technology in order to use it, my daughters phone is nearly as scary as yours, has way too many buttons and ‘features’ and i proudly say i have never used an ‘app’ in my life 🙂 (i just had to ask my daughter what a siri is ) now thats out of the way i may try to catch up with the modern world 🙂 have an excellent day 🙂 xx

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