Humor Life Writing

Have A Nice Day

13th May 2018

‘You know how new hair grows in under old hair?’  I said to Neil through the bathroom wall.

‘Yeah?’

‘Well, all my new hair is gray,’ I said.

Before we headed off on our most recent road trip, I spent some time looking at myself in the mirror.

I figured out some things.

  1.  I should probably drink more water.
  2. I may start wearing some make up, all the time.  But not really.
  3. Ah’m no bad, as they say over here.

 

I left the bathroom and Neil and I high-fived our matching grays.  I call mine Fred.  He calls his Isla.

Have I mentioned that Isla wants a bunny rabbit for her fast-approaching fourth birthday?  That might be good for a few more grays.

Please, don’t sent her a real bunny, or a horse or kittens that we have to keep in our house.

We’ve only just mastered the art of keeping our fish tank snail-free.

One of the goals for the road trip was to get some more fish.  But we didn’t actually make it to the pet store.

‘Is it weird that I’m looking forward to Starbucks?’ says Neil.

I went all mushy, and hugged him and said, ‘Welcome to the family, son.’

‘Don’t call me son, though.’

‘It’s a saying.  Go with it.’

But we never made it to Starbucks, either.

We trooped in the car, cranked up Mono and arrived in Inverness with the remnants of a car picnic and a kid who really needed to pee.

She sat on my lap and we raced to the toilet but she peed on me instead.

Isla changed and I attempted to dry my lap underneath the hand-dryer.

‘Aren’t you glad we carry Victoria around everywhere now?’

‘Shut up,’ I said to Neil.  But Victoria the giant blue and generally annoying penguin was strategically-placed on my lap for the rest of the day.

We arrived at the Apple store just in time to go to the toy store next to it.

‘Can I get something?’  Isla asked.

‘Since Mum’s getting her toy fixed I s’pose you can get one.  Something small, though.’ I said.

And so, after 17 minutes she carried Hungry, Hungry Hippos to the till.  Because that game is small.

A teenager rang us up and asked if we needed a bag.

‘No,’ said Neil.

Yes, please,’ I said.

The teenager looked confused.

‘Rule number one of retail: always listen to the wife who’s just been peed on by the kid.  And have a nice day,’ I said.

And so, we trooped to the Apple Store.

‘Please fix my Mummy’s computer,’ Isla said to anyone who’d listen.  ‘My Campah spilled water on it, and I just peed on Mummy, too.’

The Apple Dude seemed to take us all in stride.

No, it won’t turn on.  Yes, I hung it upside-down.  I even gave it a rice bath.  HALP.

The 25th, but probably sooner.

Not today?

No.  We’ll text you.

Please do, Apple Dude.

Have I mentioned that Isla had a tantrum during lunch because I didn’t let her break out her new game right there on the table?  That she had another tantrum because I dipped some chicken into the BBQ sauce that was obliviously only for fries?

Well,  that happened too.  And then we got into a lift where I asked Isla to use her inside voice.

And then a stranger laughed.  And the door opened.

‘Yes, it really is hysterical.  Please move so we can leave you to your laughing,’ I said.

That happened, too.

Then Isla got her face painted.  Because by that time we all needed some glitter.

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Isla is plotting what to do next.

And books.  We got some books because I had some pennies left on my birthday vouchers.  See I do have some self-restraint.  Who knew?

And then.  At around 5 clock, I actually went clothes shopping.  I hate clothes shopping.  No, scratch that.  I hate only seeing clothes that are too small or too fugly.

Store one:

No luck.

Store two:

Nothing doing.

Store three:

‘Let’s try here,’ says Neil.

‘OK, but this is the fat lady one.’ I whisper.

‘DADDY, THIS IS THE FAT LADY SHOP,’ says Isla.

‘Isla, dearest.  Don’t say Mummy words’, I whispered again.

Neil and Isla left me alone for precisely 7 minutes and 38 seconds.

Still nothing.

Isla is up at the till talking to the nice lady behind it.  ‘We’re giving my Mummy a break,’ she said.  ‘Because SHE’S FRUSTRATED.’

Store four:  

Isla is so patient she gets a small toy.  So her other small toys won’t be lonely.

Store five:

Neil says I suck at shopping.  I would say that places suck at having clothes I’d actually wear.

I buy two tops not unlike the ones I saw in Store one. 

And that’s why why never made it to the pet store or to Starbucks.

Isla fell asleep on the way home.  She was still a glittery butterfly cat, but she’d wiped off the lipstick and looked more like my kid.  Herself.

‘Thanks for a nice day,’ I say to Neil.

‘Anytime,’ he says.  ‘Thank you.’


Also published on Medium.

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30 Comments

  • Reply Ritu 13th May 2018 at 2:46 pm

    Sounds like a day and a half😊

    • Reply Lorna 13th May 2018 at 2:49 pm

      Wait ’til next weekend, though. 🙂

      • Reply Ritu 13th May 2018 at 2:52 pm

        It will be epic!!!!!

  • Reply Emily DeVoto 13th May 2018 at 2:53 pm

    You are so great, Lorna. Neil is pretty great, too. And so is Isla. I love the lot of you. And I am totally with *you* (not Neil) about shopping in this country.

    Sometimes I steal anecdotes from other people’s kids to dine out on later or even to use as catch phrases. Today I offer you this, from a colleague’s son, aged 4 or 5: ‘Mommy, stop shopping.’ And I didn’t really appreciate the husband aspect until, well, I had one; I have to make sure there is a cafe handy where he can go sit down with a cuppa, or if I’m really lucky make him go pick himself out a shirt.

    • Reply Lorna 14th May 2018 at 10:46 am

      Emily, I love you for many, many reasons. One of them being you understand what I don’t say. You are wonderful.

  • Reply Rock For Disability 13th May 2018 at 2:58 pm

    What an amusing adventure you had! Lol

  • Reply Anonymous 13th May 2018 at 4:11 pm

    5

  • Reply Losing the Plot 13th May 2018 at 4:37 pm

    On the laptop so that I can actually like a post now and then, phone has been ditched. Grrr.
    Totally with you on clothes shopping, I suck at it, hate it, there is something to be said for a burka, especially if they came in more than one colour.

    Never quite managed to like Starbucks though, I went through a phase of liking their Gingerbread Lattes, at about the same phase as my butt enlarging from size 16-18, but nah, I leave it alone now.

    Excellent work on the accent, you must be bilingual now? 😉

    • Reply Lorna 13th May 2018 at 6:12 pm

      Working on something this week that will hopefully help with the naff theme/access issues! Thank you for sticking with me. Tri-lingual, innit? x

      • Reply Losing the Plot 13th May 2018 at 6:38 pm

        Ya wha? it’s probably my ancient phone as much as anything, and it would take more than that to put me off. Im just apologetic as I don’t get to ‘like’ your posts as often as I might want to

  • Reply Delicious Life 13th May 2018 at 5:31 pm

    What a lovely day!!

  • Reply Chomeuse with a Chou 13th May 2018 at 6:01 pm

    I feel for you…I got weed on a couple of weeks ago, and then smeared in dog poo that my son had stepped in seconds before demanding I carry him back to the car. It was not my most sophisticated moment. Hope your computer’s better now!

    • Reply Lorna 13th May 2018 at 6:07 pm

      Dude, you win. I’m not worthy. Ha!

      • Reply Chomeuse with a Chou 14th May 2018 at 7:37 am

        Oh, I’m not sure about that. I at least was under three minutes from home and nobody can understand my son except me, so nobody else knew of my humiliation.

  • Reply thatblogwherecheriemovestogermany 14th May 2018 at 10:09 am

    I understand the shopping. I am in need of new jeans. The jeans I have now fall down, all the time. But I am 6 ft tall. Even though I now live in Germany, a land with other tall woman, it is still next to impossible to buy a pair of jeans from the actual store that are long enough. I can order them, but then I have to hope they fit when they arrive. Oh, I am shaped like a tall ice cream cone. It’s very hard to find jeans that fit a tall ice cream cone shaped woman. So, that is why I am still wearing the jeans that fall down, all the dang time.

  • Reply Rachna 14th May 2018 at 10:25 am

    This was such a fun read. You’ve actually named your gray hair? 🙂

    • Reply Lorna 14th May 2018 at 10:30 am

      Yeah, it’s a self-acceptance thing.

  • Reply thebeasley 14th May 2018 at 11:15 am

    I HATE clothes shopping too. They never have anything I like and if they do never in my size. If I was rich enough to employ someone to bring me clothes from all the shops in all the sizes I would. Nevertheless despite this and the being wee’ed on bit, I still like the sound of your day.

  • Reply angelanoelauthor 14th May 2018 at 1:11 pm

    I too am no shopping fan. I must say, you handled the getting peed on pretty darn well. I suppose there’s nothing to be done at that point. But pee is, you know, pee.

    Real life adventures and a healthy dose of glitter. I love it.

  • Reply kimberlymunoz 14th May 2018 at 2:36 pm

    What a day! I have been peed on, more than once. Once when my youngest son turned around to talk to me, mid pee. Yah, you can’t do that! LOL Isn’t it crazy how kids know just when to say things! I am probably the worlds worst shopper. Id much rather someone just buy me something and Ill just wear it. But if you want me to try things on…Im going to grumble the entire time! Have a great week!

  • Reply Beth 14th May 2018 at 3:53 pm

    Yep, I’ve been peed on too. I think it’s a parenting right of passage. And I’ve also been victim to a child repeating everything I say out loud in a public place! It sounds like the day at least gave you a nice laugh!

  • Reply Jennifer 14th May 2018 at 8:18 pm

    I am exhausted just reading about this day.

    • Reply Lorna 14th May 2018 at 8:24 pm

      I forgot the part where we couldn’t find tap shoes. Blew her mind. Mine, too.

  • Reply fancypaperblog 14th May 2018 at 9:17 pm

    Most amazing face paint! My girls drooled over It!!

  • Reply Lauren Becker 15th May 2018 at 2:30 am

    haha! What a day for sure, but definitely memorable moments. Love Isla’s face paint. 🙂

    -Lauren
    http://www.shootingstarsmag.net

  • Reply Charlotte 15th May 2018 at 2:25 pm

    This was so fun to read 🙂 though I’m terribly sorry to hear you were peed on and that Apple takes forever to fix things. Why?! They have a Genius Bar!

    I never find things shopping when I need them. It’s always impulsive and spontaneous trips where I manage to fit into clothes miraculously.

    Hope you have a great week!! Xoxo

  • Reply livebysurprise 6th June 2018 at 2:41 am

    Sigh. My new hair is grey too. But it might be green soon enough.

    • Reply Lorna 6th June 2018 at 5:22 pm

      Please blog about it if you go green. I LOVE your blog, by the way.

      • Reply livebysurprise 7th June 2018 at 12:22 pm

        Awww…thanks. I tried a temporary green earlier this month. Unfortunately my hair is too dark for a temporary color to work without bleaching. My grey went green though. 😁

  • Reply 40wishesandcounting 6th June 2018 at 3:28 am

    My daughter is 4 and we have some very similar moments….

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