Disability Humor Life Wedding Planning Writing

The Bridal (Hair) Hump and The Sneezes of Doom

14th January 2013

As he pulled me backwards down the ramp and on to the street, the taxi driver asked what I was doing there. On a Monday. In the rain. In Glasgow.

‘Wedding make-up trial.’

‘Are you going to be a bridesmaid?’

‘No. I’m the bride.’


Yes, really.’


‘Thank you. Have a nice day.’

As I made my way up to Dad and Anne’s flat, I thought about how much I live to surprise people. Not really. Maybe a little. Remember this?

When I arrived upstairs, Dad might have been Googling wedding video people. Sarge and I had two must-haves on that front. Unobtrusive cameras and a grammatically-correct website. After three phone calls, and some squealing from me, we found someone. I sent Sarge a link to the website, and his usual ‘Cool!’ was upgraded to ‘Awesome!’ And so, that’s another thing off the to-do list.

At about ten that night, Dad, Anne and two of my bridesmaids were eating pizza and watching me get transformed into Eddie Izzard, um, a bride. The beauty therapist was very patient. And the one-sided conversation went something like this: open, blink, stop, no, open…DO OVER. And did I mention I’m not co-ordinated enough for liquid eye-liner? I’m not. Pencils SAVE. Or something.

As for my hair, I had only two stipulations. 1. My hair and I must fit through any doorway at the same time. b. We must avoid what I call The Bridal (Hair) Hump.

As I slapped myself with make-up remover before getting on the train to go home, I thought my hair and I were safe.

However, I was having doubts about my hair in a way that I’ve never doubted my future husband. And so I showed him my hair. In a way that I’ve never shown him my dress.

‘It makes your head look tall,’ he said. And I understood him completely. The Bridal (Hair) Hump. Number (2) on my list of Things To Be Avoided.

That means I’m back on Pinterest looking for hair inspiration-even-though-I-hate-that-word. Pinterest is also good for dessert porn while I’m actually eating fruit and frozen yogurt.  Because that’s what my personal trainer says I should eat. Did I mention I have one of those? I do.

In the midst of hairspray and crunches, I’ve heard back from the florist, too. In my original email to her, I might have said, ‘ My husband-to-be, (Sarge), is severely allergic to all the flowers that have ever grown, and I only like a few of them anyway. I would really like (Sarge) to enjoy our wedding, and not sneeze/wheeze through it. Tearing up is fine, even encouraged. But we must avoid the very loud Sneezes of Doom.’

The Sneezes of Doom are right up there with The Bridal (Hair) Hump. In case anyone is keeping score.

We talked about paper flowers and brooch bouquets. Apparently our wedding will be a little ‘different,’ but she is happy to work with us. I was ecstatic to hear both of those things. From someone who isn’t related to me or Sarge.

That leaves us with only a few more things on the to-do list and five months and one day to go.

For now though, I need to eat grapes and do some laps.

I think I'll stick with these!

I think I’ll stick with these!

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No Comments

  • Reply E.S. Henry 14th January 2013 at 2:21 pm

    I feel like most people don’t get “really?” when they say they’re the bride.

    Unless you’re us.

    • Reply LKD 14th January 2013 at 2:33 pm

      I told The Dude when I got home, and he said. ‘I hope you didn’t tip him.’ To which I replied, ‘I’m glad we’re getting married.’

      • Reply E.S. Henry 14th January 2013 at 3:46 pm

        Yep! I got the “Are you a bridesmaid” line a lot. I refused to book anyone who didn’t think I was the bride. And I tipped extra for people who thought my maid of honor was the other bride. 😀

  • Reply Miriam Joy 14th January 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Allergies do make things complicated — whenever I’m doing a show and they try and put make-up or face paint on me, I’m like, “No. Unless you can guarantee that I won’t come up bright red for the next three days because seriously, no green face paint is worth that.” (Which reminds me, I was planning green body paint for a cosplay, but I should probably reconsider that given what happened last time I tried something similar…)

    It seems awfully rude to say “Really?” about the bride thing, though. I would probably have slapped them. Or coldly informed them that no, I was the groom, thank you very much, and then walked off before they could work out if I was serious 🙂

  • Reply Patrick Huff 14th January 2013 at 8:33 pm

    The sneeze of doom would be bad. My wife and I got married 17 years ago. Wonder how different it would be.

  • Reply Jennifer Woodard 14th January 2013 at 8:35 pm


    Congrats on your wedding. I would not want to have to plan a wedding, I am just no good at things like that and it would probably end up a mess. I would need to hire everyone to do everything. But not my mother, she would hand make everything I am sure. I can hear her saying now….it looks just like a professional did it….but to me things generally look like a professional 5 year old did it. Don’t really understand the cab driver, was it the first time me met a bride?


  • Reply Marjory 14th January 2013 at 10:19 pm

    I’m just putting this out there for you to think about. I would suggest that, as far as makeup is concerned for you, less is more. You have beautiful skin and natural beauty and it would be a shame to gunk it up just because you think you should. Try experimenting with nothing more than mascara (no eyeliner), possibly a little bit of a light-colored blush, and a rosy lip gloss (not lipstick).

    I don’t know what your veil is like (or if you even have one), but your hair is glorious just the way it is – don’t try to tame it!

    This is all said with much love, of course!

  • Reply Gabi Coatsworth 14th January 2013 at 10:23 pm

    No body looks like Eddie Izzard, glam though he is. I’m sure you’ll be a beautiful bride.

    • Reply LKD 15th January 2013 at 11:38 am

      I kid because I love…

  • Reply Madame Weebles 15th January 2013 at 6:26 pm

    I would have wanted to smack that driver. I didn’t have anyone say “Really?” when I said I was the bride, but I did have a casual acquaintance say “You’re kidding” when I told her I was engaged. I feel your pain about the bridal hair issue. You have curly hair too, yes? Are you keeping it curly or straightening it? Also, I’m sure you’ve posted this so forgive me, but when is the big day?

    • Reply LKD 28th January 2013 at 4:06 pm

      I haven’t, really. Although there was a counter up here for about 5 minutes. It’s the 15th of June!

      Yes, lots of curly hair, and I’m using it all. Straighteners make me look like an anchorwoman.

      • Reply Madame Weebles 28th January 2013 at 7:24 pm

        That’s what I did too. No helmet hair. Nope.

  • Reply Kelly Wade 16th January 2013 at 7:47 pm

    How exciting. It must be so much fun playing around with makeup and hairstyles for the big day, and I’m betting that Pinterest is helping a lot. I’ve heard a ton of married women complain about the fact that they got married before Pinterest. Have you used it a lot to plan for different things?

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