Life Wedding Planning

The Great Hyphenation

8th March 2013

Yesterday marked 99 days until Sarge and I get married. Not long after I realised we are down to double-digits, I shared the countdown on Facebook, and then I read  this article about changing your last name after marriage. Or not. I saw it on a friend’s wall (as you do) and posted it on mine, with this preamble:

‘I share this as someone who would never drop my last name. Because it’s mine. And I love it. And if I did, it would never get to anyone else. That’s a big deal to me. My whole heart. So I’m not dropping, only adding. And it means the world that (Sarge) is hyphenating like I am. So our children can be like both of us, inside and out.’

When we first talked about getting married, my only issue was wanting to carry on my name. And I thought, if that’s my only issue, I’ve found the right person.

We talked about our options, and then we went over them again. Might have reached an impasse when I didn’t want something completely new and penguin-related.

‘If you’re adding my name, I’ll add your name. We are equals.’

And that’s when ‘if’ became ‘when’.

I have nothing against women who change their name. Or women who don’t at all. What we are called doesn’t matter, unless and until it means something to us.

Changing, or adding to your name is a choice. And just because I want to keep my name doesn’t mean I won’t want to share my husband’s. I’m greedy like that. Or something.

I figure if we’re going to share a life together, we can share a name. Or two.

Little things mean a lot.

Little things mean a lot.

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  • Reply John Duff 8th March 2013 at 11:49 am

    “It doesn’t matter what you call me. What is important is what I answer to.” ~ Old African Proverb
    I could not possibly be more proud, or appreciative of both of you. Love, Dad

    • Reply LKD 8th March 2013 at 2:35 pm

      Thought of that quote as I wrote this!

  • Reply limebirdwriters 8th March 2013 at 11:53 am

    It’s nice that Sarge is changing his name too. 🙂 I’m afraid I’m in the camp of changing my name when I get married. There are many male members of my family who can continue the lineage of my surname so it won’t be lost.

    My mum only has the same surname as me currently because even though she married again, she didn’t want me to be the only member of our family with my surname. However, when I get married, maybe she will change her surname, who knows. I’m not changing it because I feel some kind of obligation, I genuinely want to. However, each to their own and all that! 🙂 169 days for me!

    • Reply LKD 8th March 2013 at 2:38 pm

      Whatever works for you is the best there is! I remember when we broke 200 days. How are the plans going?

      • Reply limebirdwriters 8th March 2013 at 2:41 pm

        Yes definitely! I can see why so many don’t change their name, well why should they? Hyphenation is a nice way to go about it, but both our surnames are quite long and it would be a hellova mouthfull.

        Good thanks, pretty much sorted! 🙂 You?

        • Reply LKD 8th March 2013 at 2:49 pm

          It would sound good. though!

          The major things are done, and my dress-fitting is next week. Next mission is the honeymoon. Hope to get it all the way booked soon!

  • Reply verifiedkayo 8th March 2013 at 5:53 pm

    I tend to make it clear from the get go that I’m never changing my last name (unless I wind up with, like, Ryan Gosling, and want people to know that damn straight, I’m the one who got to marry that!). I don’t think it’s greedy; I think we live in a world now where we are more in sync with our individuals instead of believing we NEED to be part of a couple in order to make something of ourselves. I love my last name. I love that my father and his brothers mostly had girls, and for the most part we’re all pretty proud of our name. I joked with the fellow I’m dating now that I’d make my husband take it, which I would never do, but I do like the double-hyphen situation as a possibility!

    Sorry, that was a lot of rambling to say, “Hey! I like it.”

  • Reply Moonbeam McQueen 9th March 2013 at 6:36 pm

    I love this post, and I love your dad’s comment. Congratulations and best wishes for a lifetime of happy hyphenation!

    • Reply LKD 30th March 2013 at 12:23 pm

      Thanks, Moonbeam! I’m trying to get Dad to write a guest-post. 🙂

  • Reply Apple Hill Cottage 10th March 2013 at 12:10 am

    This is a great post! My kids are hyphenated, but I’m not. I have friends who picked a totally new surname for themselves when they married. I like that one too, but they both had brothers to carry on their given names.
    And Sarge sounds like a keeper!

    • Reply LKD 30th March 2013 at 12:27 pm

      Do your kids actively use both, or just one?

      • Reply Apple Hill Cottage 30th March 2013 at 9:30 pm

        They both use their hyphenated names. But my son is getting married this fall, so it will be interesting to see what he does…I mean, what they do…. 🙂

  • Reply Jackie Cangro 16th March 2013 at 3:51 pm

    When my friends married, they hyphenated their surnames. They chose to go with his surname – then- her surname to make a new family name. It’s a nice way of honoring both families. Though some of our guy friends think it’s odd. (Is this some kind of macho residue?) Do Sarge’s friends give him any teasing about it? Not that he would care, of course, but I wonder if men are more enlightened there than here.

    • Reply LKD 29th March 2013 at 10:23 am

      It’s quite common here, I think. We know people that have done it, people who haven’t, and people who haven’t dropped their name at all. If Sarge gets a hard time, it doesn’t happen in front of me. And I don’t think it would, anyway. Our friends are very liberal, it’s whatever floats your boat. They know how attached I am to mine, so it’s easy.

      My mother thinks it’s weird, but that’s not saying much!

  • Reply A Love Letter To Pepto-Bismol | Gin & Lemonade 5th June 2013 at 12:48 pm

    […] Maybe it was the dentist, or the movie. Or the fact that my mother arrives next week. Or maybe it’s because someone called me Mrs Sarge’s Surname last week. And that’s not my name. […]

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