Humor Life

Letting Myself Go Online Shopping

6th March 2019

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And so, the fam and I have a wedding to go to pretty soon. I never knew I could stress so much over someone else’s wedding.

The last wedding Neil and I went to (that wasn’t our wedding) turned out to be five days before Isla was born.

My dress was a tent, we put googley eyes on the bump, I fell asleep during dinner, and everyone was proud of me for just showing up (That one time I appreciated the sentiment)

This time, no such excuse.

The thing is this. I used to dress up, and by dress up I mean wear jeans. And suits. To work.

I used to go out in tops that put my boobs in the right place. I used to get my hair done every six weeks, and wore more quirky jewellery than Phoebe on Friends.

That doesn’t happen anymore.

As I write this, I’m sitting in pyjama pants from Christmas and a shirt from 2003.

I rotate the same 4 sweaters when I eventually go out, and even my jeans have been replaced with I don’t know, parachute pants.

My mother is concerned.

We Skype, and she has suggested I’m letting myself go. And I am no longer allowed to wear a boxy orange sweater that is my actual favorite.

I used to hate orange, but now I think it suits me.

But maybe that’s because I wear that orange sweater all the time. When I bought it, I thought it made a statement with its brightness. These days, it’s probably saying ‘Enough already.’

Not unlike my mother.

‘Do your hair,’ she says.

And then we discuss how I can’t get in to see anyone local, and the hairdressers that come to your house aren’t taking on new clients. How when I go to the city I don’t feel like spending four of our 48 hours sitting in front of a salon mirror that accentuates my damn pores and everything.

A meme I’ve seen around that speaks to my feelings.

When in the city, there’s friends to see, and coffee to drink and nachos to eat.

So, no. I haven’t had my hair done.

I tame the frizz with argan oil.

Frizz-Ease used to be my best friend (I was honestly a prime example of the before and after photos) but it doesn’t work on my hair anymore.

And can we also talk about my silver streak that I like to call Bonnie Raitt?

I like that streak. I earned that streak.

But I may have bought a box of hair color on a city trip.

I was looking for a dress to wear to this wedding we have to go to.

I should mention that my Dad and stepmother-type person bought me a dress for Christmas, that they thought I could wear for the wedding.

I’m nearly 38 and all my parental units give me fashion advice. I appreciate it, sometimes. And sometimes, I even take it.

This dress that they bought for me is actually a shirt to wear over leggings. Which would be cool, but maybe not suitable for a wedding.

It’s also burgundy crushed velvet. I tried it on, and wore it for a day. I felt like I was 14 again, and should have been wearing Charlie perfume for all the nostalgic feels.

And so, a recent road trip involved wedding guest dress shopping. Regular readers will know I dislike most shopping unless there’s lunch involved.

‘Mummy, you should get this gold dress,’ suggests Isla.

‘Why?’

‘Because it matches your eyes. You have hazel eyes, and they are kinda goldy.’

Now, that’s one of the most wonderful things she’s ever said to me, but no gold dress.

Isla, my personal shopper also suggested animal prints, that my mother would like, and hot pink bow action that nobody liked.

And there was nothing that accommodated my wide shoulders, and nothing in my actual size.

Also since I’m sitting, I need flowing waists that fall in the right place, and don’t cut me in half.

It was suggested by several sales people that I go to the more ‘generous’ clothes places.

Which is fine, I like those shops. That’s where I shop. But none of them were where we were.

And if people like me, with shoulders and boobs and rolls, are looking for our sizes, and you have to ‘order it in’ that’s kinda not cool. Sometimes we’d just like to have successful shopping trips, because this thing is like, next week, see?

I did end up ordering a dress. Online. In my size. 20 is a nice number.

I actually would have done so before, but I had to wait for my size to come in, and I wasn’t sure it would, so off we went to the real mall.

Where I bought two boxes of hair dye for me, and party shoes for Isla.

I don’t know if I’ll use the dye, but y’know, it’s there.

I’ve made an effort, as they say.

Everyone likes my dress. Isla too, even though it’s not gold.

The question is, will it arrive before I have to y’know, wear it?

And I’ll end with another question, the same question my mother asked me last week:

When’s the last time you bought yourself something nice, or did something only for you?

Letting Myself Go Online Shopping a humor blog post about ageing and online shopping.

 

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12 Comments

  • Reply Ritu 6th March 2019 at 8:48 pm

    I find it hard to buy new clothes… But I treated myself toleopard print leggings the other day!

  • Reply josypheen 6th March 2019 at 8:58 pm

    I hope the dress arrives in time! You’re going to look (and feel) gorgeous. 😀

    But I hope you don’t get rid of the silver strand. I think it looks badass.

  • Reply becomingcliche 7th March 2019 at 12:06 am

    I am relating so hard to this post. I HATE to shop. I bought clothes for myself this year that were actually NEW, not thrift-store, new-to-me stuff, but I bought them ONLINE because I hate the mirrors in departments stores like you hate the ones in the salon. Husband’s grandmother died, so we needed a funeral dress recently. He picked out this Diane Keaton-at-the-Oscars kind of pant-suit thing for me. And I told him if that’s what he wanted, I’d get it, but I would not ever wear it again. The other “dresses” were more like jumpers, so basically in order to pee, you have to undress. And the fabrics were all apparently inspired by my grandmother’s sofa, circa 1973. Why is shopping SO HARD?!

    • Reply Lorna 7th March 2019 at 10:32 am

      The lights are so bright, too. I think it’s to actually make us look bad and therefore ‘new and improved’ in anything we try on.

      All my good thoughts to your family!

  • Reply my30somethingadventures.wordpress.com/ 7th March 2019 at 11:17 am

    That meme is brilliant!! I often sit at the hairdresser with wet hair and the cape and towel around my neck and I’m like “WHO IS THAT?” Seriously!
    That is so sweet that your parents still give you fashion advice 🙂

  • Reply Cheryl 7th March 2019 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Lorna! I also hate to shop. And I hate the pressure of having to ‘dress up’ for ‘special occasions’. I also love my old baggy COMFORTABLE clothes. But unfortunately people have expectations (especially mothers!). I hope your dress arrives in time, and I hope you look like a movie star in it! 🙂

  • Reply Rebecca Moon Ruark 7th March 2019 at 2:59 pm

    Only for you…those words are gonna stick with me. Really, what I do only for me is blogging, writing, chatting about books, doing #PitMad today. None of this is helping my family. So, to take out time to also get my hair done–yeah, it doesn’t happen. I hope you post a pic of you in the dress. I want to see! And I hope you all have a wonderful time at the wedding–and that it’s someplace nice with good food!

    • Reply Lorna 8th March 2019 at 9:24 am

      It will help your family. And until then it helps you, which also helps our families. Keep going.

      • Reply Rebecca Moon Ruark 8th March 2019 at 11:56 am

        Thanks, Lorna! Yeah, sometimes, like when the bathrooms haven’t been cleaned in ages and I’m doing a pitch war contest on Twitter instead, I think WAH? But you’re right, at the very least, writing helps keep me sane(ish), which hopefully my family appreciates!

  • Reply englishwithkirsty 8th March 2019 at 10:38 am

    Online shopping is the best! I do go shopping with friends or my patient partner who finds out what I’m looking for and then goes off like a sniffer dog to hunt out the thing – usually successfully! But sometimes I just want to shop without thinking about accessibility or having someone else to help me find things. Then I turn to online shopping and it makes me happy!
    I hope the dress comes in time and that you like it.

    • Reply Lorna 8th March 2019 at 11:16 am

      The dress arrived. I’m a little scared of it, ha!

  • Reply mydangblog 8th March 2019 at 9:08 pm

    I’ve never tried online shopping for clothes–I’m always worried it won’t fit, and I’ll have to figure out how to send it back. Luckily, during the week I live across from a great Winners, so I popped in on Wednesday and treated myself to a cosy sweater. Although, if there’d been anything there in crushed velvet, you couldn’t have held me back!

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