How To Get Free Beer

9th July 2011

These drinks were not free.

Last weekend, Sarge and I went to the pub (OK, two pubs) to meet with friends and prove that he had survived meeting my mother.  We left the first pub in search of another one with an accessible toilet.

I spend half my life needing to pee, and the other half looking for an accessible toilet to pee in.  I have accepted this as an interesting/annoying part of my life, and go with it.  Or not.  (Pun maybe intended, I haven’t decided.)

Anyway.  We arrive at what has become one of my favourite places to drink.  Comfy couches, generous measures, and the much sought-after accessible toilet.  A girl could get spoiled.  Almost.

On this night, I ordered and made my way to the bathroom, where I did not have to pop my shoulder to lock the door.  Maybe that was the problem, it was too easy.

Fast forward to turning to leave.  And I couldn’t.  No, there was no dubious graffiti to hold my attention (although, nothing beats ‘Stephen Hawking hates karaoke’ which I read off the wall of an accessible toilet in Glasgow once.  OK, maybe twice.)  No, the walls were clean this time.

The door that had been so easy to lock wouldn’t unlock.  That’s right.  I was locked in the toilet.  By myself.

The latch was, um, bent.  I tried to push it through with my nail(s), which until this point I’d wondered why I’d let them get so long.  That didn’t work.  I may have rattled.  I may have banged.  I may have looked for the emergency cord, which, when needed, wasn’t actually there.  I may have cursed graduating from bobby pins in my hair.  I may have shouted ‘Hey, you guys?!’ And then, ‘Lo?’  And then, ‘YO!’  I may have done all of these things.  And then I banged some more.

Now.  I wasn’t really worried.  I just wondered at what point Laissez-faire would become ‘What the hell is she doing in there?’

There was a knock.  I froze.  Who would it be to spring me?  And who would I be to them?  Would I be my-loveable-kooky-girlfriend or some-random-crazy-bird-who-locked-herself-in-the-loo?


‘It’s me, are you OK?’  When Sarge became my Knight in Shining Army Boots, this was not in the job description.

‘Um, no.  The lock is (broken).  I can’t get out.’

‘Oh.  Right.  I’ll get the bar staff.’

And he might have said, ‘My girlfriend is locked in the toilet.’

‘They said to push the latch with your finger.’

‘Tried that.  Not working.’

And I heard someone else.  ‘Oh.  Right.’  And then, ‘Stand back.  I’ll kick the door in.’

And so.  I parked between the toiled and the far wall, and actually shut my eyes.  ‘Ready!’

As doors go, this one went quickly I suppose.

‘We’ll have someone fix that.  Very sorry.  Can I offer you a drink on the house?’

‘YES.’ I’d forgotten I wasn’t speaking through a door.  ‘I think so.  Yes.  Thanks.   And a round for my friends?’


We decided afterwards we should have ordered Champagne.

And so.  If you ever want free drinks, consider getting locked in the toilet.  And then don’t do it.

In my last post I bemoaned doors I couldn’t lock.  I think I should be careful what I wish for, no?

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done for free drinks or food?

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No Comments

  • Reply barbarasmithstoff 9th July 2011 at 5:05 pm

    Lorna, you are wonderful! and so is Sarge!

    • Reply LKD 10th July 2011 at 4:57 pm

      Aw, shucks! Check your FB wall!

  • Reply Karin 9th July 2011 at 7:04 pm

    LOL!!!! This was very good. TOTALLY saw this in my mind’s eye. xoxoxo

    • Reply LKD 10th July 2011 at 4:56 pm

      Didn’t even set out to write this in particular, it just kind of happened! xox

  • Reply Tonsofpaperbrokenpen 10th July 2011 at 5:31 am

    Hahah glad you came out safe.

    • Reply LKD 10th July 2011 at 4:59 pm

      Thank you! Least it made for a good story!

  • Reply jo 10th July 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Hay you, soooo glad to hear that Sarge survived meeting your mom!!!!! She sounds like a real trip. By the way, how did she survive everything??

  • Reply urbannight 11th July 2011 at 9:52 pm

    I went to an Anime convention in Kansas City once with some friends. Me and a friend got to our room and she found a ‘lucky penny’ and picked it up. We discovered a broken light that was actually a fire hazzard. The a/c didn’t work. They thought we didn’t know how to use it and keep trying to give us instructions before we insisted someone coming up to check it out. Gee, it turned out we were right. It was broken. The room fridge thought it was a freezer and froze everything we put in it. Then we discovered the toilet didn’t work. This wasn’t some little hole in the wall hotel. It was an international 5-star hotel chain. They comped us that night’s stay. I asked my friend if they penny was heads up or tails up. Turned out it was tails up. I can’t remember how it goes, but there is also a saying that if it is tail’s up to “let it lie”. Maybe there is something to it after all.

    • Reply LKD 15th July 2011 at 9:51 am

      You should write this stuff down!

      How’d the move go?

  • Reply goodbyereality411 14th July 2011 at 9:14 am

    Interesting read.

  • Reply dialdoctors 15th July 2011 at 5:25 pm

    You are so lucky you got something free! When I was a kid a door fell on my head while I was at a fast food place. I needed several stitches and I think all I got were free fries or something :p ( can’t remember really)

    My mom still says we should have sued so they’d pay for my college education. A free round of drinks sounds like proper retroactive payment

  • Reply Dawn K Apps 15th July 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I think I envy your being locked in the toilet. I have a horrible sense of direction but for some reason I think I know where the bathrooms are. I have no idea why but it always feels like the women’s should be this way and the men’s that way. I follow my feelings and (should I admit this) don’t read the signs. I have ended up in the men’s room a couple of different times. NO I don’t learn.

    The last time I scared a young man so I’m trying to pay attention. The only thing I could think of saying while he was standing at the urinal “Are you in the wrong place or am I?”.

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