Last year, around this time, I wrote this piece on my journey with anxiety, and shared it around Time To Talk Day. The official day has rolled around again. My words are still true, anxiety is a thing every day, and I’m sharing again. No one is alone on this journey.
And so, last week was Time To Talk Day, but I think the point of this campaign is to highlight that it’s OK to talk about our mental health no matter what day it is.
Honestly, this post has been bouncing around in my brain for weeks. More honestly, my weird little journey with anxiety and my current dealings with it was one of the reasons I came back to blogging regularly.
To share this road.
I was never really into the concept of writing as therapy, but we work with the tools we have.
I’m sitting here at 9:04 in the morning, and it feels like the day is half over already. I might have cuddled my kid a little too tightly before we negotiated teeth-brushing. Isla is at school now. There’s a bird-feeder stuck to my kitchen window, there’s a bit of winter sun through the bare trees, and the snowdrops are budding.
I’m sitting here with coffee and Tim and Faith and I really want a breakfast bagel. But I’d have to go a long way for one of those.
Several conversations with Lauren at Lauren Ephithite, Wellbeing Advocate (formerly Milly’s Guide) gave me a nudge to share my journey with mental health issues.
That’s this post.
I’ve played around with words, tried to make it readable and universal and not about me. I’ve agonised over how many sentences start with ‘I’. Wondered if I’m saying anything new, and who cares?
Fuck it.
I have Anxiety. And I am probably Depressed. Again.
Back when Isla was a newborn (it happened, once) I was checked about every two weeks for post-natal depression. Because I have a history of situational depression, and having a baby is a pretty big situation.
And so, I filled out a questionnaire from my groovy health visitor, who took over from my groovy midwife.
I’d tick some boxes, and even showed my answers to Neil, because I wasn’t even cheating.
‘You’re not depressed, are you?’
‘Nope,’ I said.
And I wasn’t. I was euphoric. And tired. And spent. And scared shitless. I didn’t think I deserved this actually magical child who found me somehow and chose me as her mother.
I’d spent my entire pregnancy in disbelief that we’d get a baby at the end of it. But she arrived. And the first words she heard from me were ‘Thank you!’ And she’s always known I love her Dad because after I said thank you, I turned my head to him and said, ‘I fucking love you.’
So, no. I was not depressed.
All of my feelings were tied up with a frayed bow called Post-natal Anxiety.
I became a checker. Of Isla. Of me. Of my hair.
I was put on medication that made me feel worse. Then we found one that made me feel OK.
I was shoved out my front door encouraged to go to a baby group, where I did actually find some wonderful, no bullshit mom friends who know who they are and who I love like sisters.
I was ahem, working through it. Isla was thriving, and I was getting there.
The three of us moved here, because we’d visited Dad and Anne a few times and LOVED it. I imagined finding our own wee house with office space for me, and neighbours, maybe. Somewhere Isla would make more friends and I would make books.
Isla is thriving, I’m getting there.
My post-natal anxiety has morphed into Generalised Anxiety Disorder, whatever the hell that is. It’s managed by Prozac, old tv shows, and well, me.
And if someone asked me if I was depressed again, this time I’d say yes.
In the past, my episodes of depression have had little or nothing to do with my disability. My attitude has always been, Screw them if they can’t take some wheels, and put in a freaking elevator.
My sometimes profound sadness has come from losing a lot of people I love very quickly (all four Grandparents in five years, is one example.)
Those five years, and others, shaped the rest of my life. And so, I have issues. But the wheels aren’t my issues.
However.
Lately, I’ve been hyper-aware that I really like hanging out in my house. In PJs mostly. With popcorn always. Going out is a chore that I do for Isla. And my vitamin D levels.
(Read here for more practical mental health support.)
When we do go out as a family, the first choice is closed, the second choice is closed, the third on the list is the only place accessible for me on my wheels.
Now. Before somebody suggests that I campaign for equal access for disabled people, advocate for accessible travel, and do my bit to change the world, I do that. I used to get paid for it. When it’s your day-job and your everyday life, you get a bit tired.
I don’t want to be a recluse, I know it’s a slippery slope. I do want to go out, would always choose going out over staying in. But my house is accessible. And there’s nowhere to go. So we drive in the car, and have conversations like this:
Me: Shall we sing?
Isla: No.
Me: Why not?
Isla: Because your singing is horrible, Mummy. But I love you.
Let’s focus on the love.
Isla is thriving, and I’m getting there.
How are you doing?
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Also published on Medium.
58 Comments
This is amazing, Lorna. I love you.
I love you, too. So much.
I hesitate to “like” this, but I think it’s great that you’ve written about it. One of the things that scares me the most about possibly having to go back on chemo is how tough it is on my mental health. With nausea, pain, hair loss, and other miseries it gets very easy to stay in and not leave my bed, which gets me started down the depression trail. I think one of the best things you can do for it is shine a light on it, and you have so eloquently. All I’ve got for you is love, Lorna. And big, fat virtual hugs.
This is me hugging you back. I was thinking of you all day yesterday. You can do all the things.
You can do all the things too. And when we feel like we can’t we can support each other until we do.
I used to be uptight, before kids. Now even my 6-year-old tells me to calm down. And knows what to do to help me do so. Anxiety is a bitch. So is isolation. The globe is too big. <3 you.
Thank you for sharing, Lorna. Just know people are cheering you on. Celebrate every victory. Every single one! 🙂
I am glad you shared this. It is a slippery slope. I am currently in my house, although I should go to the store…but, it is all German out there. Some days, it’s just too much. I did put on clean yoga pants though, so there is that.
I agree with Natalie, there are lots of people cheering you on!
I agree with everyone above. Thank you for sharing this. It helps me to understand (even just a little.)
I hope it was cathartic to write too.
And here I hoped my catharsis wasn’t showing.
It wasn’t really. I was just hoping this made you feel a teeny bit better.
This post is excellent & love your down to earth honesty throughout it. Can I also just say, that yours & Isla’s relationship just sounds like the cutest to me. You sound like such a team full of love, giggles & cuddles.
Thank you, Hayley. We are pretty cool. I’d love to add to our team too, which causes anxiety. It’s a loop. <3
Ah yes I can imagine. Much love x
You’re not alone. I also have a delightful cocktail of meds that keeps this train (mostly) on the rails. Spring is coming. Spring is hope and a world coming alive and all the vitamin D we can absorb! Hang on tight!
You, too!
Brilliant post. Staying home can sometimes be so appealing. I’m so glad you felt able to share this honestly written piece. Keep on getting there. It sound like you have a fab little family!
Three things: Big hugs to you and Isla. Vitamin D is good stuff. Your honesty in your writing is inspiring.
Thank you. Giant hugs back to you. It is good stuff. I told Neil you said my honesty is inspiring. He larfed.
I have many simliar issues which lack of public access does nothing except make worse. You are not alone I promise
Thank you for your honesty and sharing this blog post. I too have anxiety and have been inspired by your post to attempt to write one of my own. I’m also an overthinker so it may take longer than planned ha ha.
This one took such a long time. Already thinking of a few other things to say Perhaps we should start an over-thinkers club? I’ll be reading yours when you’re ready!
Such a heartfelt post, Lorna, that was amazing! As someone who has been struggling with anxiety and depression myself I know how hard it is to open up about it sometimes, and you even had the guts to do it while speaking of such a taboo topic such as pregnancy and PPD. You’re a warrior, keep on fighting! <3
Thanks, Juliana. I’m just a regular person trying to write through things. But I appreciate your words. <3
I love this post for so many reasons. I had post-natal anxiety that morphed into generalized anxiety disorder as well. And like you, I have been rather depressed this winter, but it’s getting better. One day at a time. So cliche, but it does help. Much love my friend. I get it.
Thank you, for real. I get you too. Did you have the PND as well? I didn’t, and it genuinely seemed to confuse some folks, ha.
Proud of you for opening up. Love the last sentence, you will get there x
Felt good, and like yours, I hope it shows others they’re not out in the wilderness. The us part is all of us.
Everything reads so effortlessly….so organic…my reader’s heart instantly absorbs the writing that speaks to my soul….thanks for sharing! 🙂
I honest and um, truly appreciate you going through the archives, too. Thank you for the boost!
Love you sweetheart – I’m finally back on meds after a while of blowing off/being unable to afford copays and whatnot. I’ve been pretty much nonfunctional due to depression for the last 6 months or so (i.e. when I stopped taking meds as prescribed and started trying to ‘stretch’ the prescription bc I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to get a new bottle). So I’m with you – getting there. <3
Oh, but we are twins. Love you, too. <3
What a wonderfully open and honest piece. Thank you for sharing. It’s difficult to o open up about these things but you’ve done it in a wonderful and and graceful way. All the hugs and love and know if you need a chat I’m here xo
Thank you, Hayleigh. That goes for you, too. xox
Thank you for writing this. Mental health awareness is something I’m pretty passionate about. Maybe someday, if we all start to talk about it more, mental health won’t be such a stigma and people won’t think twice about sharing.
That’s the hope. Keep writing, Katie!
You are brave and honest. And speaking my mind. I also have anxiety and mild depression and it changes everything. Someday I will write my story but not quite yet xx this helps though tons. I am sending you all the good wishes.
I also crave pj time . Always.
Glad you shared your struggles, Lorna. I have anxiety from time to time. Mostly when I need to make a big decision. Always wondering if I’ll regret it and make a mistake – perfectionism is a terrible thing. Staying inside is one of my favorite things to do and I need to push myself to get out the door, too, at times. It’s hard being human, right?
Thank you for sharing this post from the heart. Anxiety sucks. Depression sucks. You’re not alone. I have anxiety/depression/panic disorder. My dog gets me out the door and I’m so grateful for him, even if I sometimes really just want to stay in and wear my pjs all day.
Jo-Ann
Love, love, love this post Lorna and been meaning to come back and comment all weekend. As a house full of depressives I can tell you – you are not alone! I was put on happy pills a couple of years ago when the chronic pain was getting to my mind before I had the stimulator put in my back. Hubby had a full breakdown several years ago and it was scary to watch – GP said his body and mind was simply telling us that he couldn’t continue as he was…..as we couldn’t change what was happening to me, he was told he had to stop working (motor industry, 6 day week, very intense with targets etc) and his dad was very sick too. Then son number 1 had a meltdown in first year of uni….he already knew what was wrong as he handed me a paper called “Existential depression in the gifted adolescent”!! He also came out ……he wasn’t eating, sleeping and couldn’t switch his mind off. Of course he wouldn’t take drugs because he looked up side effects….typical of place he was in, so uni arranged counselling. Next…in 6th form found son 2 was having anxiety issues and panic attacks, along with chronic migraines (prob down to our genetic EDS) ….and started cutting his arms! He does takes drugs and needs them for migraines too. Last one is our girl who also has anxiety and confidence issues (again a big part of EDS)…..so we really are the Happy Family!! Don’t think you’d know though as people don’t talk about it, and there certainly isn’t the help out there with state benefits etc…..I could go on & on!!!
Just letting you know I have included your link on my regular PainPalsBlog feature Monday Magic – Inspiring Posts for You! Claire x (https://painpalsblog.wordpress.com/…/monday-magic…/)
Wow, Claire. Thanks for sharing your family’s story. High school and Uni are in some ways the opposite of the best years of our life. Thanks for including me on your list this week. I was just going through the links when your message popped up. So mind-meld. And thank you.
Ahh I so relate to this. I have had PND for 13 years now but I also have generalised anxiety disorder, triggered by miscarriage and stillbirth, and fuelled by three very high risk pregnancies where I was convinced my babies would not survive. I swear by CBT, I’ve spent my whole life in therapy and it’s the best thing I ever did!
Laura, I’ve read your stuff for awhile. I gotta say you and your family are actually heroes. CBT helped me too, and talking therapy in general.
Wow! Kudos to you for having the courage to speak out about everything you’ve been going through Lorna. Reading some of the comments above must be a real comfort to you, to know that you’re not alone in what you’re going through. Sending lots of love x
Well done for writing this and sharing your story. Mental health needs to be talked about more openly. I’ve struggled with mine for the last 2 years but I’m getting there. Sending hugs your way
Like you I suffer with situational depression and I am lucky that I have not had a bout for over 7 years now. I am not a homebody and Hubby gets annoyed that I have to be out, I hate being stuck at home
Kara, thanks for the comment and helping highlight that situational depression is an actual (crappy) thing! Our husbands sound similiar. xox
Good you shared your story. It will help many in the same situation.
That’s the hope.
Loved reading this Hun. I suffer with anxiety and my mental health is really bad at times so can only send you a virtual hug and tell you all the awesome people are a little crazy 🙂 x
Thank you, Kira. The same back to you. And this is my favourite quote:
“[…]the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
Jack Kerouac, On The Road.
Love your honesty.
I’ve always found writing (or even talking) about mental health awkward and unnerving. (Maybe because I have a habit of overthinking things, then never actually getting them out!)
I also think we worry that writing about “us” comes off as selfish, but it’s really not. It’s so helpful to other people to see that there are others in the same situation and see how they handle it. Lots of respect to people like you who do get it out in the open!
I just my post from when I rad this the first time….I just realized that I am still in the house, wearing Yoga pants. However, today I have been outside twice to walk the dog…so there is improvement since the last.
Great post! I find it so therapeutic to write and then I sometimes worry if others will even “get” what I’m writing but who cares…it’s you and you alone and you’re unique. Great job! I subscribed to your blog because I find your writings interesting just reading two of your posts! 🙂
Thank you, Chelise! Let me know if there’s anything you’d like me to write about for a future post.
I feel this is one of the most important things about blogging is letting people know they are not alone often by telling your story.
true words lorna – sending a massive hug every day but especially today – so much chimes with me though I developed PTSD and GAD because of a traumatic bereavement and then another 2 years ago. I’m much better than I was and nearly back to ‘real’ me.
I’m an overthinker still and a checker but much much better than I was. Can’t write about it all in any length yet but getting there. lots love Bec xx
Hugs and love back to you, Bec. Writing will help in some way when you’re ready. <3