Disability Life

I Want To Be Like My Kid

20th June 2018

It’s been an interesting couple of days in the not so frosty North. disabled mothers, parenting, dance class

I wanted to write a letter to Neil about our fifth wedding anniversary, about how one day we got married and the next day Isla was nearly four and having her first dance recital.

That’s exactly what happened.

I was heavily pregnant for our first wedding anniversary.   We went to the zoo, I forgot my three gallons of ice-tea, and I actually ended up in the hospital with actual dehydration, and an extended panic attack that’s lasted about 4 years.  Hi.

Back then the nurses couldn’t figure out if Neil and I were married.  My fingers were so swollen I wore my rings around my neck.

They sprung me after a few days, and a week after that I was drugged up to the eyeballs and telling the anaesthesiologist that I loved her very much and she looked very glamorous for a doctor.

And when Isla was born the first thing I noticed was her violet eyes (ok, really really dark blue, shut up) and  the fact that she had miniature versions of Neil’s ugly long feet.

Nearly four years later, those are still dancing feet.

She started tap class a couple months ago.  Because she wanted to, and because I wanted her to have someplace to channel her never-ending  abundant energy.

Isla comes home from class and proclaims she want to dance forever.

A wheelie made a dancer.

A dancer whose first public dance was the day after her very married parents wedding anniversary.

That does not make me a dance mom.  Or does it?

Growing up, I pretended to tap dance on my grandparents linoleum kitchen floor.  For five minutes, with my walker.  Then I grabbed my microphone and pretended to be Dolly Parton.  Such was the Saturday night entertainment cycle.

My point, and I do have one.  I never wanted to be a dancer.  I am not grooming Isla into a dancer to live out my disabled dancer dreams.

When dance classes came up, she wanted to try them.  We asked if she wanted ballet or tap, and she said ‘the one with the noise.’

I sat in her first class and I cried.  Because that’s my kid.  Under her own power.  Not a baby anymore, but always my baby.

And maybe for five minutes, I cried because I was jealous.  Of my own beautiful, confident, self-possessed, dancing child.

Maybe because she can dance and move in ways that I cannot, and she may decide that dancing is her thing.  Maybe because of that.

But mostly because we all want our children to do better than us, have more than we did, just do it.

Isla just does it.  Dancing or anything.  I want to be more like my kid.

I cried because she was in sequins and makeup and she looked four going on 24, and she loved it.  I cried because someone else put her hair up, and there was hairspray involved.

I cried because she doubled back to kiss me before we left her backstage.

She’s growing up, but she’s still mine.

Onstage in the second row, in glittery tap shoes.  Looking at me in the audience.

And I’m dancing in my seat.

 

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I snapped this right after I said ‘Who loves you, baby?’  And Isla said, ‘YOU!’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21 Comments

  • Reply Nicole 20th June 2018 at 1:42 pm

    Anya’s taking her first-ever dance class this summer. The first day, they called us moms in at the end of class and let us watch as they practiced crossing the room on tiptoe, leaping over a teddy bear, and pirouetting in a hula hoop before curtsying to Mom. I took dance class as a kid and, well, kind of hated it. It was not my thing. But watching her do what I remember doing as a kid made me well up. I’m kind of hoping this dance thing sticks. At the very least, I don’t have to sit out in the hot sun to watch her do it.

  • Reply Danni 20th June 2018 at 2:37 pm

    That stinkin kid <3 Love her so much!

  • Reply Rebecca Moon Ruark 20th June 2018 at 2:38 pm

    She looks so great. The ones with noise–I love that! The closest I’m going to get to a dance recital with my two boys is Tae Kwon Do form tests, which are kind of exciting. But board-breaking isn’t the same as dancing. Hope you’re having a good summer so far!

  • Reply SickChristine 20th June 2018 at 3:18 pm

    This is so perfect, Lorna. Another gem.

  • Reply Ritu 20th June 2018 at 4:02 pm

    This is just so lovely Lorna! ?

  • Reply Lise 21st June 2018 at 9:15 am

    I can totally understand her choice in dance, I wanted so badly to be a tap dancer when I was younger, but couldn’t because of a deformity in my leg.. I still went to watch recitals and I’m sure I felt the same way you do, what a lovely piece of writing this is x

  • Reply thatblogwherecheriemovestogermany 21st June 2018 at 9:50 am

    Just lovely.

  • Reply thebeasley 21st June 2018 at 3:04 pm

    Gorgeous, gorgeous, GORGEOUS.

    • Reply Lorna 21st June 2018 at 6:42 pm

      Thank you, dude. This is my favourite in awhile.

  • Reply josypheen 22nd June 2018 at 2:22 am

    Brilliant post!

    I love how your love for her shines through your writing and how her love for you shines through that gorgeous photo. Yay for wheelies that make dancers!!

    • Reply Lorna 22nd June 2018 at 8:52 pm

      And wheelies that make jumpers. 🙂

      • Reply josypheen 22nd June 2018 at 9:35 pm

        😉

  • Reply diana 23rd June 2018 at 12:23 pm

    She’s always going to be your child, and even if she’ll dance and you don’t, you’ll be proud of her. I’m glad that you don’t want to make her dance only because you can’t. Children should never be a tool, they shouldn’t ever be made to be who their parents want them to. You bring a child in this world for him or her to have his/her own dreams made reality, not yours. Congrats. You want to be like your child, you don’t want your child to be like you.

  • Reply geekettebee 23rd June 2018 at 5:16 pm

    What a fantastic photo! Love it 🙂

  • Reply rachaelstray 24th June 2018 at 9:26 am

    I hope she continues to love it. I’ve got two left feet so dancing was never in my destiny. I’ve got friends who are dancers and they have amazing dancer friends and they love it.

  • Reply Emmalene aka A Brummie Home and Abroad 24th June 2018 at 10:59 am

    This is so beautiful Lorna…I may even have something watery in my eye! You and Neil are obviously amazing parents and letting Isla live out her dreams x

  • Reply Gill 24th June 2018 at 8:40 pm

    Such a lovely post Lorna. Your love for Isla and her love for you shine through that gorgeous photo! xx

    • Reply Lorna 24th June 2018 at 8:43 pm

      How did I not figure out before now that you’re Peggy’s Diaries? Hi!!!! xox

  • Reply Carol Cassara (@ccassara) 9th July 2018 at 3:20 am

    Truly a little princess? Love the image!

    • Reply Lorna 9th July 2018 at 9:41 am

      She’s about the most unprincess person you will ever meet.

  • Reply Susanne Swanson 25th August 2018 at 5:50 pm

    I love this! And the sparkling picture of Isla!

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