How To Maintain Long Distance Friendships

We have reached day four of week two of Easter break. I’m sitting here with my coffee, some breakfast bar wrappers, four stuffed animals, match game cards, and Isla’s earmuffs that she randomly wears around the house. Because she can.

We are at the I love you, but leave me alone stage of our family togetherness. Honestly.

On day one at home, we had this conversation.

Me: Do you like when we hang out?
Isla: Yep. I also like it when you LEAVE ME ALONE. 

And that was day one. Today, we are like bleary-eyed hold-outs for better, more caffeinated days.

There has been a lot of games, and bike-riding, movies and popcorn. There’s also been a lot of unboxing videos. Please send beer. I’ll unbox it.

We went on a road trip to use up my birthday book vouchers and buy Isla new clothes and shoes that fit seven year-olds. And she’s still four.

On our most recent road trip, I had dinner with a friend I’ve known for 20 years, and literally ran into another friend I haven’t seen in about 16 years.

Both meet ups made me realise the truth in some truths that get thrown around a lot.

1. With some friends, it really doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you’ve seen each other.
2. Motherhood has made me a pretty crappy friend. And that’s OK. I try to keep in touch.

I also realised some stuff about my own friendships. Stuff that I’ve always kind of known, but it’s interesting when these things come up in real life.

I have 3 types of friendships:

1. Deep ones that are going on 20 years or more.
2. Friendships that happened when my child happened. The people that I talked about in this post.
3. Online friendships with people I haven’t actually met yet but it feels like we have. Or we’ve met once or twice and it feels like it should be more.

And pretty much all of these friendships are long distance friendships.

I wish all of my people could come to my house and have ice cream, coffee or beer. But due to distance, and sometimes entire oceans, that rarely happens.

When it does happen, I get really excited, and we talk about all the things. I don’t want it to end, but I’m tired when it does.

People who have best friends who live far away are interesting creatures.

We are lonely and quiet. Well, we’re not quiet around our people, but they aren’t here. We aren’t actually boring. We have a laugh that few people hear and we swear more than you think. We’re funny, but we can’t explain our jokes. We miss someone, or a few someones, right now.

I’m lucky, because most of the long distance friends I’m missing are friendships that have lasted for 20 years or more, or feel like they have.

Considering the average friendship lasts 7 years, most of my friends are above average. I KNEW IT.

And so, here’s what to do if your best friends live far away. I should take my own advice, obviously:

Call them. On the phone. I hate the phone. But if I use it to y’know, actually talk to you, WE ARE FRIENDS FOR LIFE. And if you call me at 10 o’clock at night, and you’re whispering because you somehow think your regular voice will wake up my kid, YOU ARE A DUFUS. and I love you.

Skype them. On the computer. My kid thinks that most of my friends (and my mother), live on the computer. That’s kinda true. Epic screen time happens and the distance seems not so much, but also kinda worse.

Write them. At least two of my closest friends started out as penpals, on real paper, with envelopes and stamps and everything. We still write what I call fat mail. Long letters written over several days and several beverages, letters that can be re-read A BUNCH OF TIMES, just because you want to feel closer to the wonderful wordy friend who still writes you actual letters.

Send them a journal. Write your stuff in it and ask them to write their stuff in it, and keep going until you actually feel up to date in their lives.

Hang out on social media. Perhaps trade GIFS with your best people who live 4,000 miles away. Just me?

Read the same book/watch the same movie or series/listen to the same podcast. At the same time. Then talk about it. In letters. Or on the phone.

Do a project together. Whatever you want, but keep it going. If you’re both invested in the same fun thing, it’s a way to keep in touch and invest in your friendship.

Visit them. Even if it’s once every year (or in my case, two). Or plan to visit them. Focus on the road trip or the dinner where you are finally face to face.

And then talk about all the things. Like you’ve been doing all along.

Now, go write your best friend a letter.